Seventeen portraits and one empty stool.
The research papers refer to the same few people, because the College has only a few. This page introduces them. The annual photograph was taken on the hall steps; a stool was set out in the front row in case Gerald came.
The Chancellorship has been offered and is understood to have been accepted. The paperwork has been with the Palace, the Registry or the Bursar since a date none of the three will confirm.
The frame was hung in readiness. The College dusts it termly.
Conducts the Annual Inspection of the Boilers each Michaelmas, as his predecessors have since 1841, by tapping the principal boiler three times with a silver spanner while the choir sings Abide With Me at 50 Hz.
Receives appeals. One is before him now, from a retired Commandant, concerning a trench.
Counts everything and prices it. Has initialled every line of every card the College has issued, and has had Nerves since July 2016, when an Irish growth figure was read to him without warning.
Still refers to the incident in the chemistry store in 1979 as “the fire”. Is not allowed to read the register of taxes after lunch. Recently authorised a thirteenth bag.
Holds that most strategic problems can be addressed with a rifle, a brew and not moving. Supervised four Crown Works papers without being asked to write one, and has now written one.
Built an excellent wall on the Fellows’ Lawn and left the urn outside it, which he has asked to have recorded, as it reproduces the one mistake Lieutenant Chard is known to have made.
Rorke’s Drift and Jadotville → · KE01 Defensive Engineering (Not Moving) →
Examines competing historical claims by holding them side by side and distrusting both. Applies every rule to the party proposing it, and re-inspects any that produce a British claim on Calais.
Replies briefly. Asked the odds of the Major leaving the urn outside the wall by chance, he replied that it was not chance.
Is not impressed by coincidence, which is on his syllabus but is not examined.
Settled an argument on the internet by counting, which took a thesis. Keeps a tally counter about her person. Her Department lost a set of chessmen on a field trip in the twelfth century and she signs for every piece.
Investigates the narrow engineering boundary between a properly dunked Rich Tea and an unscheduled biscuit deposit at the bottom of the cup. Her load cell still smells faintly of Assam.
The Rich Tea thesis → · KE12 Materials Engineering with Biscuits →
Took part in the synchronised boiling trial and switched on at forty-seven seconds. His late start is in the record as a source of error, and he has asked whether it needs to be.
Five Fellows and one trebuchet. The Group’s budget has been questioned repeatedly and its open day has a risk appendix of its own. It asks permission for things, and does not stop asking.
Provides tea throughout. Is regularly asked the question a paper is trying to answer, in plain words, and answers it better than the authors, which they record.
Owns the reserve kettle and an expression. Has declined to run a course. Would like her biscuit tins back.
Holds every figure, including the ones that disagree, which she says is what a library is for. Catalogues anything left on the premises: twelve bags are under Apparatus and three, which arrived by air, under Donations.
Is what the papers mean by “Estates”. The Fellows’ Lawn was last dug in 1643, by people who did not ask either, and took until 1911 to get level. He refuses, with reasons.
When the Commandant wrote that a wall nine feet long is a bus shelter, the Major’s reply read, in full: “Ask Stobbs.”
Receives the post, the keys, the contact form and the College’s draught, which enters here and leaves by the Senior Common Room chimney, and has done since 978 (ish).
Has occupied the same workshop stool since 1998 and can obtain any connector you require. He has not been found. His kettle remains unlocated. Documents of some importance have turned up in a shoebox under his desk, which is curious, as Gerald has a stool.
The photographer waited most of a morning. The tea was still hot.
Named by the Bursar, on the grounds that he is paid to go away and does not. Sleeps on the ledger for the current year, which is why it is late. Has never caught anything and is not thought to have tried.
Co-author with the Major of the joint paper on two defended perimeters. His notes are one line long and end with an instruction. The description of his short course reads, in full: “Dig.”
Has brought the whiskey that Commandant Quinlan asked for by radio in 1961, on the grounds that somebody should.
